The Xenophobe's Guide to the Californians

A guide to understanding the Californians which shows the quirks of personality that set them apart from the rest of the Americans. Extracts from the book I dream therefore I am Californians are delusional. Like characters out of Dashiell Hammett's Maltese Falcon, they are forever chasing painted lead in the hope of finding gold beneath the surface. In fact, they are completely out of touch with just about everything except their image. You better believe it Californians are believers. Cynics, sceptics and atheists are advised to go directly to New York. Indeed, Californians take their beliefs so seriously that many lose touch with what doesn't need to be believed. The not-so-free way Traffic to the Californian is like ice to the Eskimo: it slows you down, you're surrounded by it, it's often a nuisance, but it just wouldn't be home without it. Coming to a complete stop on a 12-lane freeway with the sun glaring in your eyes to the tune of Life in the Fast Lane is an essential part of the California experience. EQ versus IQ It has been said that for every year you live in California you gain one point of EQ (Emotional Quotient). Rumour has it that it is paid for in loss of IQ, but that's beside the point. The result is that many Californians are indeed emotionally aware. At least, they believe themselves to be. And as the delusion dictates, if enough people believe something, it must be true.